Stag's & Houseboats Might Not Mix (Part 2)

Stag’s & Houseboats Might Not Mix (Part 2)

How I Hurt My Back Houseboating

There is one beach, Neilson Beach, on Shuswap Lake, where all the house-boaters go to party. There were 42 house boats on Neilson Beach, the night we went to party there. Everyone parties hard but I think since we were on a stag, we were out with much greater intent.

We managed to get aboard this massive house boat. Most boats are in the 40 to 60 foot range and two stories tall. This bastard was at least 100 feet and three stories high. The people on board were throwing a wicked party. Sweet music and loads of beer. Free beer. There were plenty of kegs on board.

After mingling a bit, we found a table where some decent people were hanging out. They offered us beer and, of course, we accepted. We chilled and bullshitted for a bit. There was one guy on board that I took a certain disliking to almost immediately. He had a shitty mullet. As a result I began cutting him apart. Not loud enough for him to hear clearly but loud enough so my buddies could get a laugh and there was a good chance Mullet Man would hear it.

All of a sudden a brilliant idea hits me. Boat race on a house boat. Brilliant.

***For those of you who don't know what a boat race is see the following link ***

Boat Race - As Describe by Wikipedia

I explain the concept of a boat race and after some clarification and a few failed attempts, it looked like racing could commence. The best part was that we kept using the kegs on board to fill our beers for racing.

We were hammering beers back like crazy. We got louder and more people joined. Everyone was getting shit-faced. I was far beyond shit-faced. I was also winning. I am a very competitive individual and trash talk a lot, when I am sober. Alcohol merely fuels this behaviour and I am completely over the top.

I was talking a ridiculous amount of shit to everyone either my team or I was beating. I guess after enduring my overly-obnoxious behaviour, the tenants of the house-boat had had enough. A few of them came over and asked me to leave.

I think they should have asked my friends to get me to leave. That probably would have gone a lot better. I took it as an insult and promptly told them how I felt.

Unfortunately, telling them how I felt went something like this. I started with some meager insults to get warmed up. Then I climbed up on the table that we had been using for boat races. I stood atop it and started yelling at the people who asked me to leave. I beaked off a bunch of shit to Mullet Man and then it got really bad. People at the party were telling me to fuck off and get off the boat. SO I LOST IT.

"You know what? Fuck all you people. All of you fucking suck. Do you know who the fuck I am? You are all fucking bullshit. This party is bullshit. You are all a bunch of fucking losers. I don't need this fucking garbage. Kiss my ass. Fuck you." Yada, yada, yada. And it went on. Finally, I screamed out "This party is fucking terrible, I'm outta here. I don't need this shit." I jumped down from the table, said some more shit to Mullet Man, pushed my way through the people, continuing to spout off to people the whole way. I walked right over to the edge of the boat. Only I didn't stop. I pulled myself up the railing and jumped off. I jumped off the fucking side of the house boat. 35 feet above the water. Jesus. And that's not even the worst part. I got tangled in some ropes on the way down and then splashed in to the water. I don't have any idea how I didn't get more seriously hurt.

The most ridiculous part of this story is that I don't remember a single thing. Not even one. I have a vague recollection of a big houseboat on the beach that weekend but nothing more than that. I figured it out and there is a period of about 8 hours that are completely gone from my memory. I'm almost starting to think that's a good thing.

This whole story was told back to me on the Sunday morning as we headed back to the marina. After I was told what happened, I started to put a few things together. I notice my back was sore and that that wasn't the only boat I had jumped off that weekend. I reached to my back and was rubbing it where it was sore and then I found the lump on my spine.

It's not a herniated disc. It's not a compressed vertebra. I know because I had to go to the doctor. This all happened about two and a half months ago. The lump is still on my spine. What a sweet little reminder of something that I don't remember.

Later,
Jeremy

Stag's & Houseboats Might Not Mix (Part 1)

I went on my friend Derek's stag this past July. There are many things that happened on this stag that I won't mention. However, there are two stories that are very worth telling. Yet again, they involve me and copious quantities of alcohol.

When I get drunk, I am easily convinced that poor ideas are actually brilliant ones. This first story is proof of that.

Here's a recipe for disaster, 14 guys on a stag on a houseboat. The liquor had not stopped flowing since even before we stepped on board. We were hanging around bullshitting about the day we had , when someone said that it would be sweet if we had a power boat to rip around on. Someone else said we should make friends with someone on the lake that had one and then we could tear around. Still someone else said, jokingly, "We should steal one." Sounded like a brilliant idea to me. I piped up and said I could steal a boat. They guys didn't believe me, but once the idea had been put on the table, it had to be attempted.

The best part is that the docked on the beach next to us had a power boat tied up to their houseboat. Just like stealing candy from a baby. I grabbed one of the inner tubes we had and slipped out to the back deck of our houseboat. I put the tube in the water and paddled it the 15 feet to the power boat next door.

I climbed on board the power boat as about 5 of the guys watched from the deck of our house boat. I started rooting around for a set of keys and then to where the power boat was tied up so I could push it away from the house boat. And that's when the lights came on. Oh shit. I lay down on the floor of the power boat. The guys on our house boat all busted inside and began peering through the blinds to watch what happened. I'm sure they thought I was fucked.

The people came out and asked what I was doing. Now even when drunk, I am a quick thinker. I told them that I was floating on my tube and I fell off. Their boat was the closes thing to me so I swam to it and climbed aboard (Even though it actually would have been easier to climb on the house boat).

One of the guys dove in to the water and swam out 10 feet to grab my tube for me. They brought me on board their house boat and gave me a towel. The worst part is, had they not been as drunk as they were, they would have realized that I my shorts were completely bone dry. The guy who jumped in to get my tube gave it back to me. Then 3 of them walked me off their boat and back to ours.

They told the guys on our boat what had happened and to keep an eye on me so I didn't get hurt. Wow, some seriously nice people. We even partied with them the next day. But, given the chance I would totally try to jack their power boat again. HAHAHAHA. Simply ridiculous.

Messed Up People

This is copied directly from my blog that I never use on my myspace page. I know it's been a while since i have posted but I am working on a story that will absolutely blow your minds. It has to be the craziest night I have ever had. Until I get that posted up, enjoy this little read, jerks.

Here's a little piece of advice for everyone. STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM CRAZY PEOPLE! Lately, not only me, but some of my friends as well, have been meeting these total fucking wack jobs. I don't know what it is. Perhaps it is that the weather has improved slightly and these goddamn looney tunes have started to com out of the wood work? I don't know. What I do know is that I have had enough to do with crazy ass people already in my life, that I know that I DO NOT want to be around any more.

SO, if you are crazy, have crazy tendencies, or quite regularily have people question your sanity, I have a few suggestions for you. First and foremost - STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME. Number 2) If you feel compelled to be around me or know me, do everything in your power to prevent me from finding out you are crazy. Your chances of remaining in my circle of life will greatly increase. Number 3) If you are crazy and have somehow managed to sneak in to my world, kindly do me a favour and sneak the fuck back out. Make sure the door doesn't hit you in the ass.
Finally, Number 4) Regardless of if I know you or not, if you are crazy, do yourself a favour, seek some sort of help, any kind of help really. With the treatment available to people today, other than a few legitimate exceptions, there is no reason that you should be a basket case and be a detriment to other people's lives. Show some respect.

I feel better now.

Oh and if I have in any way offended you, you are either crazy, so take note of my list of suggestions, or come to terms with the fact that sometimes you are going to read/hear/see things that offend you. Now you can compare yourself to me and feel good knowing that you aren't as much of an asshole as me and you can go about your life being happy and know that you are better than at least one person in this world. Just kidding, WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME? You pretentious piece of shit. Yes I did just judge you and that's because I am an asshole. HAHAHAHAHA

Later,
Jeremy

Coaching

I just had a ridiculous idea which has made me wonder what sorts of coaches exist. Conventional coaching for sports has been around since the invention of said sport. More recently coaches have come to rise in different areas like lamaze. Is it really necessary to have a coach to tell you how to have a baby? Skills and performance coaching exists in the work place. The latter two are given funny names but I think it is basically just your boss yelling at you for fucking up. Seems like that would "coach" me to not fuck up any more.

Some background will help for this story. My brother and his girlfriend are pretty rad. Yes, rad. They like to play online video games. This is also very rad. VERY RAD. Why go outside and interact with real people when you can do so in a controlled environment where you can pretend to be something you are not. Hmmmm. Seems like a pretty good idea. I think it is a very safe thing to do as it also prevents you from receiving any of the harmful UV rays from the sun. I highly recommend hiding out in a room that is devoid of any naturally occuring substance so as to "stimulate" one's mind and interact with all sorts of "cool" people.

Anyways, on to my ridiculous idea. I have been ridiculing the two of them for months now. I don't see a problem with playing video games. However, when it ends up being a Saturday night and two people decide to play online games instead of, well, doing any of the millions of other things that are at least somewhat social, I tend to get a bit angry.

Those who know me know that I can be a bit obnoxious and rather vulgar. I like to insult and berate. It entertains me. I like to be quick if I have to retort someone's pathetic insult. Practice basically. I just finished insulting my brother's girlfriend for playing online and really "kicking ass". This spawned a brilliant idea. I have decided to offer my services. I have zero experience in actually playing online video games, but I have coached some sports before and I figure I will pick up the rest as I go along. I will hit you, kick you, yell at you, insult you and mostly just "motivate" you to do better. It may not improve your game. In fact, it may even make it worse. But at least you won't be as much of a fucking loser because you will be interacting with a real person in the same room. Not nerding out online with some defeated 37 year old ass clown who still lives in mommy's basement.

If you are interested, I can be reached through the comments section.

Later

Jeremy

PS - First person to sign up gets 1 hour of free "Coaching". Person = Fucking tool who probably perv's out to elf porn.

Nelly, how you have changed.

I'll make this short and well not so sweet.

Nelly has just put out her 3rd CD and the first single from it, Promiscuous, is getting more play than a Thai hooker. Speaking of hookers reminds me of why I wanted to post.

What the hell has happened to this girl? As much as she has been touted as being unlike other pop stars such as Britney Spears et al, she certainly has proven otherwise. How many similarities can I find. HMMMMM. She shares the same birthday as Britney Spears. Go and look it up if you want. I'm right. She has a little girl, fathered by her ex-boyfriend Jasper Gahunia (alias Lil' Jaz, Nelly's Live DJ). This seems awfully similar to Britney and K-Fed.

Can I find any more??? How about that they both have become trashy, trashy bitches. We all know the path that Britney has taken but Nelly's hasn't been so widely publicised. Until now that is. The first single "Promiscuous" from her new CD "Loose" is an advertisement. Calling your song Promiscuous? I think we got the point. Titling your cd Loose? Come on. How much more obvious can you make it. She may as well just come out and say it. I'm Nelly and I love the D.

I just wanted to share that. Hope you enjoyed these fun facts.


Jeremy

Just Tell Me

About 3 years ago was my Dad's Aunt's 90th birthday. As such, there was a "party" thrown in her honour at her son's house. When I say party, I mean more of a collection of people in varying stages of decay. This was a 90th birhtday celebration. It's not like there were shooters and beer bongs being passed around. My family has never been very close with the extended portion of my Dad's family. As such, I knew very few people at the "party" and with it being a family event I was instructed to be on my best behaviour. These sorts of instructions don't exactly make me happy. However, I put on my game face and respected my parents wishes for me to behave. Please note that this is a very rare occurence and this may be the only time I admit to following parental orders.

The afternoon progressed and I made small talk with the few people that I knew. The majority of my time was spent talking with my immediate family. About two hours into the gathering, I decide that I must leave as I have hurt my face from fake smiling so much and my throat is actually sore from being so damn quiet.

I tell my mom that it is time for me to leave and she asks if I have wished my Dad's Aunt happy birthday yet. I have not. Mom tells me that I must wish my great-aunt a happy birthday before leaving. If that's all I have to do to leave the party, shiiiiiiiit, no problem. But actually it was a problem. I had no idea which lady was my Dad's Aunt. I ask my mom to tell me who she is so that I can say what I need to and be on my way.

Now I am not sure if my mom was bored and decided to fuck with me a bit. Perhaps she was just unwilling to help me so as to keep me around a bit longer so she would have someone to talk to. Either way, no assistance.

I ask my sister. My mom tells her not to help me. I really want to leave this "party".

I am now left to find a solution on my own. As I realize this, my mom says to me "Don't be so stupid, you know which one she is." Pressure's on.

My solution is brilliant. It's a birthday party for a 90 year old woman. All I have to do is look for the oldest looking woman in the room, say my piece and I'm gone!

Surely you can see where this is going.

I walk up to this really old and decrepit looking woman sitting on a couch and kneel down. I wait for her to finish speaking to the lady beside her. She notices me and looks towards me inquisitively.

"Hi Aunt Whoever, I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday and I hope that you are having a great day"

"It's not my birthday dear. It's that lady over there." And she points towards the woman I should have been talking to.

I look up to see my mom, sister and brother trying not to crack up and my Dad visibly embarassed. I took the whole situation in stride and walked over to my Dad's Aunt said my thing and went back over to my family.

"You fuckers, look what you made me do. Mom this is all your fault." They could hardly hold it together. My Dad looked at me, shook his head and told me that I was a total idiot.

Oh yeah, well next time, fucking tell me what I need to know and you won't have to deal with the aftermath of my mistake.

I can only imagine what was said about me after I left. I'll bet the extended family thinks that Mom and Dad did a real swell job of raising their kids. It doesn't bother me any. I think it's hilarious.



On an entirely unrelated note. I just received this link to a fantastic video. I don't even have a way to describe it. Just watch and wonder.

Zuiikin Girls

Feel free to pass it on to someone who can make sense of it.


Jeremy

Welcome

Welcome to Endless Entertainment. I am Jeremy, your host. I will make you laugh, I will make you wonder, I will make you confused and I am sure that I will make you offended. I have many stories to tell from my past as well as keeping you up to date with my new endeavours.

As I mentioned above, my name is Jeremy. I live in Vancouver and am currently studying Mechanical Engineering at a local college. Eventually I will be enrolled at UBC where I will finish my degree.

My friends and I manage to attract all sorts of exciting situations. Oddly enough (note: heavy sarcasm), many of these situations involve alcohol. Well, it's more an excess of alcohol really. If the thought of alcohol fueled adventures doesn't strike you as entertaining, I strongly suggest you never return to this blog. Seriously, don't. You will end up judging me which you really have no right to do. That in turn will piss me off and I will make a concentrated effort to offend you worse than my regular behaviour can.

The following two links are to videos of some of my more ridiculous moments.

This one is of my horridly failed attempt to audition for the Much Music VJ Search in 2003

MMVJ Search 2003

This one is from my 2nd Annual Volleyball Tournament that got a little out of hand.

Ridiculous Party

There you have an introduction to me and what I do. Essentially everything because I RULE.

More Endless Entertainment to follow

Jeremy

PS That was a 7 foot beer bong.

PPS The paintball shots were from about 5 feet. Yes it hurt. But only later. Alcohol gives you super powers

PPPS I had to go to Emergency the next day to find out what was wrong with my leg. The impact from hitting it on the side of the trampoline bruised the marrow in my leg. The doctor said I would have been better off breaking the bone. I didnt walk properly for about 3 months. That was 3 years ago and I haven't had a party like that since.